I constructed a paradise in a polluted mind to balance myself on the edge. A paradise that was toxic, yet the kind that slowly burns away at the soul. I was in denial when you left, I forged a future of us that I collapsed myself within. This processing was slow for me as I helplessly grew tight vines around the idea that you’ll be back, but you never did. Every photo of us were kept in the back of my folders, neatly preserving beautiful memories of you that dissolved into corruption. I sought emptiness through endless sleeps, because in my mind emptiness was better than dealing with the destructive truth.
Month: April 2017
Readiness for an end
A single thread of rope dangles between hope and the veins gathered around the base of my neck. The rope loose, but deadly, patiently waiting for the bind. The scaffolds beneath slowly deteriorating from the collection of broken relationships over the small extent of what’s cruelly meant to be beauty.
My long-term aspirations
I really love these small quotes in how I met your mother, they are beautifully brief and eye opening at the same time.
“The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. I mean, it’s like I’m giving up before I even started.” Ted
I’m in this exact situation, I’m constantly worried about my ideas being screwed up, that the dream expectations behind them are too much for me to take into practice and potentially ruin.
But I want to do it regardless of what the outcome will be, I don’t care if I fail of succeed. I have a numerous amount of aspirations I intend to complete, one of them being this site. I will try my hardest to write a little bit every day and create a upload schedule. I want to create a long lasting progression of my writing skills that will not only improve my ability to create but my skill of expressing what’s important to me. As well as this, I will be attempting to create work from various perspective besides my own.
An appreciation to she who matters
Lately, I’ve been seeing you walk on my side of the curb in life. Sometimes the moments are unforgettable; like the blissful laugh heard from across the table to a terrible joke I made or the genuine voice seeping through your lips as you compliment my small creations. I thought for a while there, you sailed off away from me but due to recent circumstances, I got you back. And this small crack of time between us revealed these honest feeling of appreciation for who you are. You are the photographer I aspire to be, you are the admirable kindness of a gentle soul, you are the realisation that there is hope in this world of everlasting conflicts. I wish we could be closer but there will always be the uncertainty crawling under my skin, this fear that you may not wish for the same.
Maybe I will try for something more, even just a simple coffee on the corner every week. I want to hear about all the small adventures you get through in your short, yet busy weeks. I want to learn from you, whether it’s something personal about you that you fear sharing or the different types of cameras and lens you have for every setting. I want to take a personal interest in you because I genuinely believe you’re an incredible person who I am deeply grateful to have in my life.
Bubbling Plans
“I’m okay just being okay”
This very thought used to be my safe thought, words that I could retreat to when the battlefield is too much. I used to soften up to this idea of living an ordinary life with a partner and kids, working nine to five till the day I retire. Don’t get me wrong, that can be a beautiful life to live, to be able to wake up every morning to a loving partner, getting up to have breakfast with your own kids as you share shitty jokes and discussing the days plan. I completely understand why that’s a great life, with having a family to share vacations and memories with.
However, I believe in something more for me. Not in some obnoxious “I’m the best in the world, look how great I am” kind of way. More in the sense that I’m a butterfly effect from something spectacular. That if I play the right moves, I could potentially leave a somewhat better world behind this long game of chess.
Recently I discussed the concept of selfishness behind every “selfless” act, how no matter how selfless you believe you are, there’s always a selfish element. This brilliant person brought to my attention the selflessness of a bee, and how incredibly selfless they are in terms of protection over the queen bee. How they selflessly sacrifice their own life for the greater good.
So after this, I thought of this situation in a metaphorical sense for myself. What if I could somehow sacrifice my passion towards the help of many others like me? These thoughts, these ideas, are merely a puddle on a rainy day. I’m going to try my hardest to expand upon these ideas bubbling up inside me because I honestly believe I can help those who need it on a greater scale.
Questions by Jack Johnson
I think my love of exploring interests stems from this song. Amongst all the various songs I’ve grown up listening to, a song I’ve kept close to my heart. Because of it, I adore the idea of taking a deep interest in people; in their lives, their conflicts and their beautiful memories. I believe the idea of learning someone is one of the most precious things in life.
What intrigues me most about the lyrics of the song is this notion of only being able to ask one question. It’s beautifully shaped as he asks for a suggestion on what to ask because it brings to light the uniqueness of every individual. There are no right or wrong answers, there is no single question that can be asked that opens up a person. Everyone is gorgeously individual and this thought that every person has a unique question intrigues me to the point where I can’t help but explore it. Every new face I come across, I can’t help but attempt to discover their question. I absolutely adore being close with people, whether it’s for a split moment or a lifetime, it’s still an incredible experience.
I highly suggest you search up the song as it’s amazingly well done.
My Intentions
I want to have a conversation with you, whoever you are. I want you to know who I am and what I stand for. I’m not a writer, I’m not a creator. I am merely using this to express my thoughts and I do so partially in the hopes that you are able to relate. I do so to give you insight into who I am and where my thoughts lay. I am no more or no less than you. I am interested in your life, Whether you’re having the time of your life with the happiest surroundings or you’re in an incredibly dark corner of your life and you’re searching for any sign of hope. I want you to know that I am willing to listen, to anything, to your life stories or your jokes, to your issues or your favourite memories. This isn’t some promotion or anything like that. I couldn’t care less about how many people like me in this life, let alone this website. I am not perfect, I’m nowhere close. I’ve spent my darkest days in hospitals and under my bed sheets with my music blasting through my thoughts. I have struggled creatively to the point where I would sleep every single day in the hope tomorrow arrives quicker. I have spent almost every new years in disbelief of my existence. I have spent them believing that the year will be my last. It’s important that you know that I’m here, that I’m not some person trying to get popular or famous in any way, regardless of the medium. Whether it’s the written work I’ve wanted to perfect or the animations I work on creating. I’ve always had this pure need to help, to support, not in some selfish reputation type way. I couldn’t care less if you thought I was the worst human being alive, I would still try to make sure you’re okay. I’ve recently started getting into writing in the hopes to get to people, to be able to inspire or make people smile or laugh. I share every emotion I can whether it’s the kindness of a cuddle or the terrifying fear of a worthless life. I am no one important, I’m a traveller trying to find the perfect words…
An Unnecessary Friend
Tell me what you came here for, was it the guilt? Did you feel that coming back and recreating a friendship was going to demolish what we’ve been through? If I’m being honest, I learnt a great deal from you. Because of you, I became doubtful of everything around me. I struggled to gain trust with people who deserved more trust than you ever got.
I hate the deformed monstrosity I evolved into through every stressful minute I had with you. It’s not a case of looking into the mirror and hating who I’ve become, It’s a lot worse than that. Every sense of me was attacked, from the nostalgic songs running through my ears reminding me of what I thought was a stepping stone to a long lasting happiness, to the bed I barely sleep in because of all the nights I stayed up rambling with you on the life we have and could have. Every good memory I have of you has been marked as fraud. They’ve all become examples of lies, of happy moments turning into painful scars.
I like the idea of keeping optimism in the thought that every painful experience adds up to something. That every failing moment in our life is really just a stepping stone towards a healthier future. That it was all meaningful in some bizarre way. But I cannot keep that optimism with you. Of all the stories I’ve muttered through my teeth, of all the secrets I’ve shared to the few, our stories were beyond terrible. The more I discuss you, the more I remember, the more anger I feel inside me. I could honestly say that I would have been better off without you.
Her cracks
Could you with cope with yourself knowing you cracked what was once a preciously angelic heart? She still is the essence of such divine, but because of you, she can’t help but claw at her own soul. She panics at the intimacy of words from her loving friends. Because of you, she is scarred beyond what she ever deserves. She can barely hold what keeps her afloat in a sea of lost hope, her skin making the unforgettable pasts of tragedy. Each line marked with a different time stamp, pinpointing all the growth of the cracks you first started.
The changes we make for others
Sometimes the reflection you see disappears, showing someone who fills you with anxiousness. This fear bubbles up within you, and you can’t help but question the reasons behind such personal change. ‘Did I change who I am for someone?’ is a fairly common thought that rushes through the mind at such times. It’s a thought, a tough one, that importantly reflects on the surroundings, whether it’s the relationship of a partner or a friendship. It’s a tough thought because it could possibly be the first crack in the walls between two souls. It could be the start of a culling in the ocean you’re swimming in. But to shine light on such a dark thought, it is generally the start towards a healthier, and happier life.