So many thoughts,
left at 3 in the morning.
Our minds acting free,
yet trapped within our fears.
For every night,
is spent with hidden tears.
Whatever the case,
whatever the pain,
all ends will be met.
Our 3 am thoughts,
will soon perish.
Our nights ending sooner,
with eyes quickly weary with peace.
I could say a million things but you would already know them. The cryptic messages only for your eyes hidden between lines. Your beauty astonishing yet missing from my sight. I miss your smile inducing messages, your gorgeous quirks lit up inside every sentence sent my way. I hope for your softness every night as I look across at my phone. Maybe you’re lost, searching for me, searching for something to cross the deserts set out ahead of you. Please, find it, whether it’s a cave with its rocks tumbling away a pathway for you, or even turning back to some of your old methods of survival.
A thread of string can only be pulled so far before it is torn apart. When will you accept that change is important? Whether it is letting go of the past and moving on, changing where you are in this moment of life, or even seeking the help you’ve been desperate to cry out for. Maybe instead of keeping every thread stressfully intact, they can be selectively released. Maybe letting go of hopeless threads, life becomes easier with newer opportunities.
This perspective of changing never sparked in my thoughts overnight. It arrived in the slowest and most painful way it possibly could. It served itself in the form of struggling nights filled with emptiness, nights packed with empty tears and drowned out heads. Wounds made fresh time and time again, reminding myself of all the pain caused both to and from my own heart. My mind replaying every torn smile, every forgotten hug, every unfulfilled promise. This growing perspective of change was my only escape, my roadmap to this maze of confusing endeavours. Rather than spending my sleeps trapped in nightmares, I forced myself into transition, into dreams of change. My nightmares slowly deteriorated into dreams of hope, of new opportunities.
You are a masterpiece in the making. This pathway you’re taking should never be judged lightly, as the harsh reality will hit you like a hailstorm. Despite this long and difficult journey, I will still be here no matter what, because in all my time as an observer, I’ve never seen such incredible beauty grow. I’ve witness the quiet, gentle voice you express when you talk about your passion. The softness never fails to send shivers down my spine, it never fails to crack a smile in the corner of my lips. I’ve seen the spark in your eyes as I watch your face glow with both excitement and determination, perfectly mirroring your deepest passions. This warmth you emit encourages the happiness inside me, often in times of defeat when the last thing on my mind is joy. But somehow you do that, and I can’t help but crumble before you as I attempt to collect those three little words. I look forward to every idea you pull out of your hat like a magician, completely immersing my soul. I can’t help but concentrate on your bright red lips as you spill feelings of hope and wonderment. I‘ve known for a long time the beauty in you, and I can’t help but stare in amazement.
You have become a ghost, an image of the past. The only power you have left in my life are the scarring memories you left behind me: The midnight Skype calls, the goodnight messages, the quirky rants, the dreams we shared. But they’re all just dents scratches that cannot be painted over. You gave me some of the best times of my life and I will always be grateful for that. I will always cherish the quietness we shared, the beautiful silences of realisation. You sparked the realisations of all the potentials in life. The potential of a happy life, filled with blissful escapes, exciting adventures, and moments of pure love. All these moments, these small aspects of my life were shaping up alongside you, alongside us. And for once in a long time, I was incredibly happy. I spent every day with a plan; I was productive, thinking it was all going to work out. Then when night came, I was able to spend countless hours talking to you, discovering more and more about you.
But then came the end of us. Ever since you left, I’ve been trying my absolute hardest to fix everything about myself, from the oldest scars to the freshest wounds.
Each time I saw you, a piece broke off,
like a snowball crumbling away.
You reminded me of everything peaceful,
just to resurface every bruise on my heart.
You were here for only a moment,
yet the scars you left will remain forever.
I did not know how to move on from a moment,
a moment gone too quick to understand.
The softness of your voice,
the smoothness of your skin,
the kindness in your smile,
forever branding themselves into my skin.
I learnt from you that even beauty,
especially beauty,
can be the worst form of torture.
Could you see,
the darkness beyond the horizon?
It’s calling out for you,
seeking your very presence.
There is nothing here for you,
not anymore.
Only the crushed shells,
the sunken soles,
the broken water sinking us deeper.
Maybe it’s time for you to go?
The storms ahead will guide you,
along your journey for the next island.
Maybe then you’ll find him,
the one meant for you?
I know I was only a whisper,
mixed with the sounds of the wind.
But I was hoping you’d hear my voice,
as yours was the only voice I listened to.
I’m sorry if you read these too late,
but know that it’s okay.
I’ll be gone by the time you no longer feel it,
the soft emptiness irritating you,
an emptiness you’re not quiet sure why.
I’m hoping you’d see these notes in time,
in case you can stop me before I leave.
But I know deep down,
that you’ll only romanticise them,
thinking they were only abstract,
meant for no one.
Before I go,
know that I wanted to leave three little words,
words too difficult to say without fear.
So I leave this,
encryptions in notes that may never reach you.
Ever dream of the end,
the closing of the gates?
Can you see anything beyond,
or are you filled with fear?
Do you see life as an end goal,
or an adventure day to day?
Does financial security mean anything,
when your job becomes lifeless?
Do you seek what you want,
or what you need?
Could you starve yourself for a week,
if it meant you could write your best that week?
Could you sacrifice your sleep,
if it meant you could be the best in your field?
Could you grow old,
knowing you didn’t accomplish your dreams,
because the risks were high?
Do you ask the easy questions,
or the necessary questions?
Leave me here, twisted in my own guilt. Let me stay in the quietness of my worries. Love me from a far enough distance that I can no longer see. Lose every care or worry you once held close to yourself as I will no longer be here.
Make me suffer in the unforgiving silence of my regrets. Mumble every word that you are too shy to say clearly because I need the hard truth. Make up with all the old friends you lost because of me as I am no longer around.
Never forgive me for the scars I left on your heart because they will be always be felt. Nullify every emotion you once felt towards them as I no longer deserve them. No matter what happens, never forget my mistakes.
Note: Just a play on words as a way to try something new!