You make it out like I’m some wild card, like every part of me is filled with some form of mystery. I’m not even remotely close to being a mystery, I am who you see standing right in front of you. The person I present to you is the character I’ve become, it’s the shyness slowly tearing, it’s the jokes with distractions. I’m in no means hiding a knife behind my back ready to pounce. I mean every word with sincere honesty, in the hopes to gain trust for no other reason than to support you.
Month: July 2017
End of obliviousness
I can no longer stare at these empty halls, these pressed down seats before a heart sinking moment with the doctor. I’m too tired of the weeks that turn into years between every approach, testing my patience over and over. This long list of flaws has become blurry by the numbness of over-analysing the question of “why bother?”. I’ve lived my life in denial of knowing the content of that list, so much that I can only offer strangers the simple answer of “half a heart”. When further asked, I mumble medical terms off the top of my head hoping to sound like I know myself. I tell myself every day that I’m okay with the idea of being gone, that every bullet point on that list will finally reach me. Maybe I’m not okay with that, maybe I deny the list because I’m terrified of what might be inevitable. Maybe in not knowing, I could somehow prevent the realism of life catching up to me.
But I’m tired of this way of thinking. It is time to face my flaws and the consequences behind them. Whatever flaws I have, I must deal with them in the best possible way I can.