Michael

An Unnecessary Friend

Tell me what you came here for, was it the guilt? Did you feel that coming back and recreating a friendship was going to demolish what we’ve been through? If I’m being honest, I learnt a great deal from you. Because of you, I became doubtful of everything around me. I struggled to gain trust with people who deserved more trust than you ever got.

I hate the deformed monstrosity I evolved into through every stressful minute I had with you. It’s not a case of looking into the mirror and hating who I’ve become, It’s a lot worse than that. Every sense of me was attacked, from the nostalgic songs running through my ears reminding me of what I thought was a stepping stone to a long lasting happiness, to the bed I barely sleep in because of all the nights I stayed up rambling with you on the life we have and could have. Every good memory I have of you has been marked as fraud. They’ve all become examples of lies, of happy moments turning into painful scars.

I like the idea of keeping optimism in the thought that every painful experience adds up to something. That every failing moment in our life is really just a stepping stone towards a healthier future. That it was all meaningful in some bizarre way. But I cannot keep that optimism with you. Of all the stories I’ve muttered through my teeth, of all the secrets I’ve shared to the few, our stories were beyond terrible. The more I discuss you, the more I remember, the more anger I feel inside me. I could honestly say that I would have been better off without you.

Her cracks

Could you with cope with yourself knowing you cracked what was once a preciously angelic heart? She still is the essence of such divine, but because of you, she can’t help but claw at her own soul. She panics at the intimacy of words from her loving friends. Because of you, she is scarred beyond what she ever deserves. She can barely hold what keeps her afloat in a sea of lost hope, her skin making the unforgettable pasts of tragedy. Each line marked with a different time stamp, pinpointing all the growth of the cracks you first started.

The changes we make for others

Sometimes the reflection you see disappears, showing someone who fills you with anxiousness. This fear bubbles up within you, and you can’t help but question the reasons behind such personal change. ‘Did I change who I am for someone?’ is a fairly common thought that rushes through the mind at such times. It’s a thought, a tough one, that importantly reflects on the surroundings, whether it’s the relationship of a partner or a friendship. It’s a tough thought because it could possibly be the first crack in the walls between two souls. It could be the start of a culling in the ocean you’re swimming in. But to shine light on such a dark thought, it is generally the start towards a healthier, and happier life. 

The midnight chill

It’s currently past midnight and I want to write, but I don’t exactly have anything to say. I’ve been thinking about this website and what to sort of expect from it, which is not that much. I don’t expect popularity, I don’t expect many to even come across this site. I am doing this in a sense to practice, with my writing and myself as a person. I want to change and develop who I am as a person in a medium I can practice with that helps me reflect. I want to keep a small library of my life in my own little corner of the internet where I’m able to express myself freely. I don’t intend on including my real name, at least not yet.

 I am doing this, not for an audience, not for the pleasure of someone else. Yes, I may write some things with the intentions of allowing others to feel the emotions I’m going through and to be able to relate in some way or another. But ultimately, I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do. 

I hope I am able to keep the spark alive within, or hopefully even turn it into a bonfire. I want to develop motivation, and self improvement. I want to express myself and have a whole library of all my past selves. I want to see myself in 5 years from now with 5 years of me, regardless of where I am in life. I want to be able to see the development of my life as I go through each individual post. I want to see my writing skills improve, I want to see my style molding itself, expanding and creating its own uniqueness.

And though I would like to have people viewing my art, I would like them to be able to relate with me and share their own experiences. I would like to develop this small corner of the internet where individuals are able to relate with what I write, whether it’s about the peaceful beauty of the night sky or the shattered heart pieces scattered on the floor after hearing the most dreadful words…

I hope that whoever reads this can understand where I’m going through this. I have a lot of things in my mind of what to do and I’m willing to go through whatever hurdles needed in order to achieve them. 

Your scarring smile

I see your scarring smile. The smile that once made it’s way to mine in its presence. The smile that raised your cheeks up in a minuscule yet impactful way. The smile that somehow motivated your clear blue eyes to sparkle. The smile that change your entire expression in a calm yet incredible way. It was always a reassuring feeling that infested every tiny nerve in my body. It was a beautiful feeling every time I had the fortune of seeing your beautiful smile. 
Now it’s a dangerous and unforgettable scar across the skin of my soul. It’s a reminder, a cruel reminder of the times that have long gone. It’s a smile no longer in my presence, only in the distance of my mind. I wish it would return but I know that could never happen. I have to move on, I can no longer live like this.

The Heartbreaker

They once called you the heartbreaker. Not because you dumped people, those were mere scratches. You are the jokester, the mastermind that treated them like puppets. You caught their attention with your looks and sympathetic stories that turned out to be as true as fairy tales for children. You pressed your tools against every pressure point till the heart collapsed onto the floor like broken glass. You turned hearts into dusk, hearts that became impossible to fix.

My middle name

You call me by my middle name and I thought you were making fun of me but you weren’t. You genuinely liked my middle name and you decided for yourself that that’s what you’re going to call me from that point on. At first I was uncomfortable but then I realised a weird beauty behind it. You were comfortable when talking to me, you wanted to call me something different, something you liked. You’re my only friend that calls me by my middle name and that strangely allows you to become unique to me.

A message too annoying to write

I’ve been thinking about what I could say, not because I didn’t have enough to say. I am simply a perfectionist, I want what I say to come across the way I intend it to. I think you’re special, incredibly special and I have this fear in the back of my head that I could lose you before I get to know you the way I’d like to. 
You’re incredibly good looking and it stings my heart everytime you refuse to believe it. The muscles in my cheeks take over my lips, creating that genuine curve of a smile every single time I see you, even when I receive that tiny notification at the top of my screen. Even the colour pallet of your profile picture popping up on my phone creates that beautiful excitement. I wish you could look into the mirror the way I look at you. I wish you could feel that spark behind your eyes as you gaze in amazement. I wish you could feel that sudden pause, that soft gasp begging to escape the barriers of your delicate lips. 
And then there are your messages, words with pure beauty wrapped around them like a bow holding together a dozen roses. They create this pure feeling of kindness and care creating this calm warmness surrounding my heart. I enjoy the jokes that escape our lips bringing the most genuine smiles I’ve made in a long while. The sadness grown from our deep discussions of our issues always turns into dandelions. I feel honest with you because of how gentle you come across.  I lose track of time, my eyes begging me to fall asleep but never surrendering. 
I’m honestly speechless, it’s incredibly difficult to pick out what I could say. Because you deserve to hear every beautiful thought that you would never have time to hear.

Personal changes

Isn’t it funny how life goes? How no one ever stays the same. It’s almost like we all live different lives within one life. People never really admit change, but it’s always there. Whether it’s new favourite hobbies, or the way you speak. A few years ago, I was this shy person that wouldn’t dare smile to the person walking by. Now I walk by everyone with a huge smile on my face that says “have a good day” without the use of words. I know how to make conversations now, at least more than I did years ago. We all change, and it’s a beautiful and rather amusing thing to look back on.

Your voice

I want to sit around and hear you talk. Your body sunken into the couch as we wrap blankets around us, the room painted with yellow by the dim lamp. Your legs spread out over my lap as I rest my hand on them. Your skin is so incredibly soft, my fingertips can’t help but run along your leg. Every time I look at you, I can’t help but smile. In that moment, that soft silence of self-realisation, I realise how lucky I am to have you. I know in that moment that I’ve met the one because I smile effortlessly, without realisation half the time. As I’m sitting here listening about your day, I can’t help but admire your captivating eyes. Every syllable that forms through your delicately soft lips creates the angelic voice I hold close to my heart. I could spend all night listening to that beautiful voice. 🙂