Life

The beauty we almost missed

I have recently reached this feeling lately that the beauty of life could never be exhausted. I have found that beautiful things in life can never truly finish.

Take snorkelling for example, I could visit the same spot a million times and still feel wonderment and enjoyment. There are many creatures and corals and nature itself to keep your jaw at your ankles. You can find the feeling of peace with little to no movement as you float above a city of seaweed. The many schools of fish darting through the water, almost too difficult for the world to keep up to.

How amazing is it then, that we even get the chance to experience this life. How rare must it have been that you and I shared this plane of existence. I will forever cherish the moments we have shared together, even beyond my death.

I find myself more and more lately wanting the lasting image of me to be one of wonderment and appreciation. The infinite beauty I share with you is one I hope you share with many others to come.

I have been so incredibly lucky to have met you, to have experience the time I have had with every single person, however little or long that might have been. I could not have built up this love of beauty, wonderment and love itself if it hadn’t been for every single piece of experience.

What has dominated my thoughts lately, especially around this sensation of ending things, is the aftermath. This image of myself and what I want standing upright beyond my passing has slowly been dictating the way I act and present myself. I am trying to encourage the idea of seeking beauty. I think it is wonderful that we have this shape and form to exist in, even if all we are currently doing is our laundry. I find myself feeling my greatest when I capture moments of joy, moments of wonderment and amazement. The look of someone excited and engulfed In this current activity is what makes it worth it.

When I am out there in the waters, everything incredible I find is immediately enhanced through the eyes of someone I am sharing it with. To be in a moment with someone, excited and happy at those discoveries must be the closest we can get to defining purpose.

I love that I get to live this life and meet the people I have come across. I deeply enjoy the moments I am fortunate enough to experience with them. That is why I have a deep sadness for my departure. I have had this sinking feeling for a while at the bottom of my broken heart. It is slowly but surely getting to a point where the distant echoes of a heartbeat no longer feels infinite. I can feel the silence reaching my heart someday and I am becoming content with it. I am thankful for all the efforts made in keeping this heart going. It has allowed me to live long enough to feel beauty, wonderment and love.

The Once Overbearing Climb

The once overbearing mountains
have yielded their ferocious growling.

What was once a daunting climb has given way to a steady horizon.

Through all the growing pains, the seemingly impossible expectations and the self questioning
It seems I have made it to solid ground.

That is not to say I won’t have steeper trails off in the distance,
But for now, I can take a deeper breath and seek the self reflection I deserve.

Emotional Censorship

I’m searching for a way to avoid the censorship of my thoughts when it comes to the expressions of crucial emotions.
It’s as if the distance between my fingertips and mind is dedicated towards the production of a film these words will project.
As if this voice sitting above my head is waiting with a loose whip, ready to punish me from the terrible reviews you may release.

Relating Illnesses

You are not the storm you make out to be, the crack between sanity and reality. I understand the jumble of words inside that corrupted mind of yours as it tries so hard to complete the picture. Your words shouted out without thought, hoping to discover the illness of your days. Let me tell you that it will be okay, that every mystery comes down to the depression chipping away at your shoulder, devouring every last piece of self esteem. But do not fear as this crippling feeling deep inside you will perish over time. Take this from me, an impaired person refusing to let death inside every appointment I walk into. I have taken so long to acknowledge the painful reality that depression cannot be cured by a simple pill over night. It takes countless nights of staring at empty ceilings, corrupted thoughts at train stations, and numbed out screams for help. The road out may not be an easy one, but it is a pathway we must take.

The mirage you create for me

You make it out like I’m some wild card, like every part of me is filled with some form of mystery. I’m not even remotely close to being a mystery, I am who you see standing right in front of you. The person I present to you is the character I’ve become, it’s the shyness slowly tearing, it’s the jokes with distractions. I’m in no means hiding a knife behind my back ready to pounce. I mean every word with sincere honesty, in the hopes to gain trust for no other reason than to support you.  

Nights turning early

So many thoughts,

left at 3 in the morning.

Our minds acting free,

yet trapped within our fears.

For every night,

is spent with hidden tears. 

Whatever the case,

whatever the pain,

all ends will be met. 

Our 3 am thoughts,

will soon perish. 

Our nights ending sooner,

with eyes quickly weary with peace.

A time for change

A thread of string can only be pulled so far before it is torn apart. When will you accept that change is important? Whether it is letting go of the past and moving on, changing where you are in this moment of life, or even seeking the help you’ve been desperate to cry out for.  Maybe instead of keeping every thread stressfully intact, they can be selectively released. Maybe letting go of hopeless threads, life becomes easier with newer opportunities.

This perspective of changing never sparked in my thoughts overnight. It arrived in the slowest and most painful way it possibly could. It served itself in the form of struggling nights filled with emptiness, nights packed with empty tears and drowned out heads. Wounds made fresh time and time again, reminding myself of all the pain caused both to and from my own heart. My mind replaying every torn smile, every forgotten hug, every unfulfilled promise. This growing perspective of change was my only escape, my roadmap to this maze of confusing endeavours. Rather than spending my sleeps trapped in nightmares, I forced myself into transition, into dreams of change. My nightmares slowly deteriorated into dreams of hope, of new opportunities.

Missed notes

I know I was only a whisper,

mixed with the sounds of the wind.

But I was hoping you’d hear my voice,

as yours was the only voice I listened to.

I’m sorry if you read these too late,

but know that it’s okay.

I’ll be gone by the time you no longer feel it,

the soft emptiness irritating you,

an emptiness you’re not quiet sure why.

I’m hoping you’d see these notes in time,

in case you can stop me before I leave.

But I know deep down,

that you’ll only romanticise them,

thinking they were only abstract,

meant for no one.

Before I go,

know that I wanted to leave three little words,

words too difficult to say without fear.

So I leave this,

encryptions in notes that may never reach you.