Life

Questions of life

Ever dream of the end,

the closing of the gates?

Can you see anything beyond,

or are you filled with fear?

Do you see life as an end goal,

or an adventure day to day?

Does financial security mean anything,

when your job becomes lifeless?

Do you seek what you want,

or what you need?

Could you starve yourself for a week,

if it meant you could write your best that week?

Could you sacrifice your sleep,

if it meant you could be the best in your field?

Could you grow old,

knowing you didn’t accomplish your dreams,

because the risks were high?

Do you ask the easy questions,

or the necessary questions?

Untouched nature

I remember the fountain that rested at the bottom of the stairs, its aged, silver statue up straight in the middle of it. It used to be my favourite little resting place where I could easily turn the pages over and over without a moment of interruption. It was perfectly rounded within the centre of the formation of cracked stones that lied beneath the stairs. In between the cracks, small growths of nature crawled through, greeting the air with it’s soft shade of green. Beyond the stones grew knee deep grass, with overgrown trees overhanging above. It was as if the place was untouched, with nature claiming back their land. It was a quiet bubble of beauty within a world of non-stop clattering, a world filled with people too busy to acknowledged the softness life has to offer. It was my little spot to read my favourite books without even a speck of worry. The trickling water behind my as I lean on the fountain, the air filled a silence filled with rustling leaves and soft chirps of passing birds. In the moments spent hiding away from life, I never felt the need to include music, as it would only ever taint the air. Instead, I spent my days peacefully reading with nature whispering on my neck.

The small future moments

I often spent my darkest times, searching for the slightest cracks in the walls in hopes to find some form of light. My most grateful trick I forged into my own personality was to look into the future, not in some grand, spectacular way where life becomes a paradise with all my troubles vanish. It was the simple idea of appreciating the small realistic outcomes in the future. For me, it was my very own little apartment, filled with furniture I picked out and paid for myself. It’s my very own couch that remembers me the second I collapse onto it, my cheap, but good enough, TV set up in front of me. It’s the colours of the walls, the layout of my kitchen, the placement of my plants, and the sheets on my bed that I chose myself, that in some way resembles a small part of me. This tiny aspect of my future creates a beautiful sense of individualism, this future me where I am no longer reliant on others around me.

It’s a future I look forward to.

The excitement of memories

One of the largest contributors to every beautiful memory to me is the overwhelming feeling of happiness. The warmth building up in your chest, spreading to every part of your body like a dam has just been smashed to pieces. The slight pause in time that feels almost infinite in the most appreciative way. This almost infinity is beautiful because it allows for the admiration of whatever the cause is for a few short moments before reality kicks in, with this feeling of appreciation still captured within the heart. To me, thinking of all the tiny memories allows for an easier pathway, a pathway filled with incredible amounts of hopes. This hope is brought upon by the idea that there is an entire future ahead, just waiting to capture more astonishing memories. Excitement is one of the best outcomes here, as it fills you with wonder and fascination in the possibilities. You can’t help but feel this build up of excitement, with questions popping up in your head one after the other about what could be, or what could not be. This happiness towards the future is an incredible drive that allows you to be open to anything that comes your way.

The support I hope to give

Do you really want to know me? I’m nothing but an empty barrel of poor diets and terrible sleeping patterns. I am the person who belongs nowhere with the delusions of someone who believes they can be anyone. I am the instant texter because of the paranoia that fills my mind because I cannot help but believe that I am not deserving of such relationships in my life. I am the dark bedroom filled with a blinding computer screen and the stench of chips. I am a lost hope walking blindly through last minute assignments and tests I never studied for. My room is constantly reshaped due to the illusion of a different space meaning a better version of myself. I am the emptiness behind the stolen jokes and the overused humour.

But I will tell you this; despite every flawed characteristic I have, I stand by everyone I meet. I will always be the one to lost sleep because of a friend desperately in need of support. I am a huge believer in the importance of closeness and vulnerability in every relationship. I try to become close with everyone I meet, not for my own selfish validation of “selfless” kindness, but for the sole purpose of learning. In my time, I have created friendships with people of all areas, from depressed artists to passionate future doctors. I have seen the true beauty in their voices as they gain that momentum of confidence, that tiny spark blasting into wildfires as they become vulnerable to me. For the longest time, I’ve never been sure of what I want to be

For the longest time, I have never been sure of what I want to be, whether it’s an IT specialist or an artist of some sort. But the more reflection made upon my past, upon the relationships developed over the years, an idea has risen. I want to help people in the best possible way I can. Yes, I know I have much to work on to become such an impact, but it will all be worth it.

My travels through lives

I will be forgotten, but never fear, for I will still cherish these memories for myself, however terrific or terrible they may be. You will live a long lasting life with whoever you choose to live it with and I will perish like a shadow from a cloud passing through. Maybe the lessons from our experiences stay in your unconscious self, lessons you’ll never quite remember the origins of. Do not fear, I never intended for any importance in my existence​ with you. I am merely a traveller of this world, I must continue along.

Importance of determination

Determination and passion is more important than motivation. Motivation is limited, it is a feeling that can last from a minute to as long as years, but it always ends. This idea that motivation is needed to create beautiful artwork is only partially true. But this determination, this strong sense of will allows anything to last for as long as you want it to. Whether it’s deciding you want to make a difference in this world by creating artwork that moves people, that educated people, that brings importance to people’s feelings or even the act of loving the same person all your life. Rather than trying desperately to find new sources of motivation to keep you on track, you could replace that with determination. You could force yourself to sit at a desk and stare at a blank piece of paper for hours and hours until you finally create something. Or you could spend hours and hours creating random pieces of work that in the end results to something amazing.
Even the act of love requires determination. It’s incredibly difficult to love someone all your life if you base it on this feeling that will likely not even last a few years. I’m a strong believer in this idea that if you’re going to love someone, you’re going to need to want it incredibly badly. You’re going to learn their beauties, their flaws, their small habits. Not to romanticise them, not to say how every little thing adds up to one giant beautiful human being. That’s bullshit. You need to do it because you want them, you want to find out more about them. You want to work with them in building a beautiful future. This can require knowing what works and what doesn’t work and what needs fixing. You keep your interest in someone not because of feelings but because you want to. They fascinate you as a person. They’re interesting, they’re independent, they’re their own selves with or without you.

Bubbling Plans

“I’m okay just being okay”

This very thought used to be my safe thought, words that I could retreat to when the battlefield is too much. I used to soften up to this idea of living an ordinary life with a partner and kids, working nine to five till the day I retire. Don’t get me wrong, that can be a beautiful life to live, to be able to wake up every morning to a loving partner, getting up to have breakfast with your own kids as you share shitty jokes and discussing the days plan. I completely understand why that’s a great life, with having a family to share vacations and memories with. 

However, I believe in something more for me. Not in some obnoxious “I’m the best in the world, look how great I am” kind of way. More in the sense that I’m a butterfly effect from something spectacular. That if I play the right moves, I could potentially leave a somewhat better world behind this long game of chess. 

Recently I discussed the concept of selfishness behind every “selfless” act, how no matter how selfless you believe you are, there’s always a selfish element. This brilliant person brought to my attention the selflessness of a bee, and how incredibly selfless they are in terms of protection over the queen bee. How they selflessly sacrifice their own life for the greater good. 

So after this, I thought of this situation in a metaphorical sense for myself. What if I could somehow sacrifice my passion towards the help of many others like me? These thoughts, these ideas, are merely a puddle on a rainy day. I’m going to try my hardest to expand upon these ideas bubbling up inside me because I honestly believe I can help those who need it on a greater scale.