I know you partially know this but I’m an incredibly shy person. I stutter and mutter words in important moments, whether it’s exchanging important key information in meetings, or the opening up of oneself to someone I want. I’m a quiet person hoping to build my confidence, to never fear about talking honestly without a single imbalance in speech. I wish you could know the perfection I see in you, but I’m still on my pathway of openness. I’m slowly trying to open up a book that’s never been opened, this constant fear of tearing a piece of thin paper becomes overwhelming to me that I retreat, closing up the book. I am trying, and I honestly believe I’ll get there, whether it takes me years of muttering riddles of self deprecation jokes.
Personal
The support I hope to give
Do you really want to know me? I’m nothing but an empty barrel of poor diets and terrible sleeping patterns. I am the person who belongs nowhere with the delusions of someone who believes they can be anyone. I am the instant texter because of the paranoia that fills my mind because I cannot help but believe that I am not deserving of such relationships in my life. I am the dark bedroom filled with a blinding computer screen and the stench of chips. I am a lost hope walking blindly through last minute assignments and tests I never studied for. My room is constantly reshaped due to the illusion of a different space meaning a better version of myself. I am the emptiness behind the stolen jokes and the overused humour.
But I will tell you this; despite every flawed characteristic I have, I stand by everyone I meet. I will always be the one to lost sleep because of a friend desperately in need of support. I am a huge believer in the importance of closeness and vulnerability in every relationship. I try to become close with everyone I meet, not for my own selfish validation of “selfless” kindness, but for the sole purpose of learning. In my time, I have created friendships with people of all areas, from depressed artists to passionate future doctors. I have seen the true beauty in their voices as they gain that momentum of confidence, that tiny spark blasting into wildfires as they become vulnerable to me. For the longest time, I’ve never been sure of what I want to be
For the longest time, I have never been sure of what I want to be, whether it’s an IT specialist or an artist of some sort. But the more reflection made upon my past, upon the relationships developed over the years, an idea has risen. I want to help people in the best possible way I can. Yes, I know I have much to work on to become such an impact, but it will all be worth it.
My long-term aspirations
I really love these small quotes in how I met your mother, they are beautifully brief and eye opening at the same time.
“The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. I mean, it’s like I’m giving up before I even started.” Ted
I’m in this exact situation, I’m constantly worried about my ideas being screwed up, that the dream expectations behind them are too much for me to take into practice and potentially ruin.
But I want to do it regardless of what the outcome will be, I don’t care if I fail of succeed. I have a numerous amount of aspirations I intend to complete, one of them being this site. I will try my hardest to write a little bit every day and create a upload schedule. I want to create a long lasting progression of my writing skills that will not only improve my ability to create but my skill of expressing what’s important to me. As well as this, I will be attempting to create work from various perspective besides my own.
An appreciation to she who matters
Lately, I’ve been seeing you walk on my side of the curb in life. Sometimes the moments are unforgettable; like the blissful laugh heard from across the table to a terrible joke I made or the genuine voice seeping through your lips as you compliment my small creations. I thought for a while there, you sailed off away from me but due to recent circumstances, I got you back. And this small crack of time between us revealed these honest feeling of appreciation for who you are. You are the photographer I aspire to be, you are the admirable kindness of a gentle soul, you are the realisation that there is hope in this world of everlasting conflicts. I wish we could be closer but there will always be the uncertainty crawling under my skin, this fear that you may not wish for the same.
Maybe I will try for something more, even just a simple coffee on the corner every week. I want to hear about all the small adventures you get through in your short, yet busy weeks. I want to learn from you, whether it’s something personal about you that you fear sharing or the different types of cameras and lens you have for every setting. I want to take a personal interest in you because I genuinely believe you’re an incredible person who I am deeply grateful to have in my life.
Bubbling Plans
“I’m okay just being okay”
This very thought used to be my safe thought, words that I could retreat to when the battlefield is too much. I used to soften up to this idea of living an ordinary life with a partner and kids, working nine to five till the day I retire. Don’t get me wrong, that can be a beautiful life to live, to be able to wake up every morning to a loving partner, getting up to have breakfast with your own kids as you share shitty jokes and discussing the days plan. I completely understand why that’s a great life, with having a family to share vacations and memories with.
However, I believe in something more for me. Not in some obnoxious “I’m the best in the world, look how great I am” kind of way. More in the sense that I’m a butterfly effect from something spectacular. That if I play the right moves, I could potentially leave a somewhat better world behind this long game of chess.
Recently I discussed the concept of selfishness behind every “selfless” act, how no matter how selfless you believe you are, there’s always a selfish element. This brilliant person brought to my attention the selflessness of a bee, and how incredibly selfless they are in terms of protection over the queen bee. How they selflessly sacrifice their own life for the greater good.
So after this, I thought of this situation in a metaphorical sense for myself. What if I could somehow sacrifice my passion towards the help of many others like me? These thoughts, these ideas, are merely a puddle on a rainy day. I’m going to try my hardest to expand upon these ideas bubbling up inside me because I honestly believe I can help those who need it on a greater scale.
My Intentions
I want to have a conversation with you, whoever you are. I want you to know who I am and what I stand for. I’m not a writer, I’m not a creator. I am merely using this to express my thoughts and I do so partially in the hopes that you are able to relate. I do so to give you insight into who I am and where my thoughts lay. I am no more or no less than you. I am interested in your life, Whether you’re having the time of your life with the happiest surroundings or you’re in an incredibly dark corner of your life and you’re searching for any sign of hope. I want you to know that I am willing to listen, to anything, to your life stories or your jokes, to your issues or your favourite memories. This isn’t some promotion or anything like that. I couldn’t care less about how many people like me in this life, let alone this website. I am not perfect, I’m nowhere close. I’ve spent my darkest days in hospitals and under my bed sheets with my music blasting through my thoughts. I have struggled creatively to the point where I would sleep every single day in the hope tomorrow arrives quicker. I have spent almost every new years in disbelief of my existence. I have spent them believing that the year will be my last. It’s important that you know that I’m here, that I’m not some person trying to get popular or famous in any way, regardless of the medium. Whether it’s the written work I’ve wanted to perfect or the animations I work on creating. I’ve always had this pure need to help, to support, not in some selfish reputation type way. I couldn’t care less if you thought I was the worst human being alive, I would still try to make sure you’re okay. I’ve recently started getting into writing in the hopes to get to people, to be able to inspire or make people smile or laugh. I share every emotion I can whether it’s the kindness of a cuddle or the terrifying fear of a worthless life. I am no one important, I’m a traveller trying to find the perfect words…
The midnight chill
It’s currently past midnight and I want to write, but I don’t exactly have anything to say. I’ve been thinking about this website and what to sort of expect from it, which is not that much. I don’t expect popularity, I don’t expect many to even come across this site. I am doing this in a sense to practice, with my writing and myself as a person. I want to change and develop who I am as a person in a medium I can practice with that helps me reflect. I want to keep a small library of my life in my own little corner of the internet where I’m able to express myself freely. I don’t intend on including my real name, at least not yet.
I am doing this, not for an audience, not for the pleasure of someone else. Yes, I may write some things with the intentions of allowing others to feel the emotions I’m going through and to be able to relate in some way or another. But ultimately, I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do.
I hope I am able to keep the spark alive within, or hopefully even turn it into a bonfire. I want to develop motivation, and self improvement. I want to express myself and have a whole library of all my past selves. I want to see myself in 5 years from now with 5 years of me, regardless of where I am in life. I want to be able to see the development of my life as I go through each individual post. I want to see my writing skills improve, I want to see my style molding itself, expanding and creating its own uniqueness.
And though I would like to have people viewing my art, I would like them to be able to relate with me and share their own experiences. I would like to develop this small corner of the internet where individuals are able to relate with what I write, whether it’s about the peaceful beauty of the night sky or the shattered heart pieces scattered on the floor after hearing the most dreadful words…
I hope that whoever reads this can understand where I’m going through this. I have a lot of things in my mind of what to do and I’m willing to go through whatever hurdles needed in order to achieve them.
Personal changes
Isn’t it funny how life goes? How no one ever stays the same. It’s almost like we all live different lives within one life. People never really admit change, but it’s always there. Whether it’s new favourite hobbies, or the way you speak. A few years ago, I was this shy person that wouldn’t dare smile to the person walking by. Now I walk by everyone with a huge smile on my face that says “have a good day” without the use of words. I know how to make conversations now, at least more than I did years ago. We all change, and it’s a beautiful and rather amusing thing to look back on.