A puzzled mess broken down on the first night, followed by the shattered glass beneath my bare toes. I keep replaying the points in time where those tiny, shameful thoughts developed. These frustrations terribly difficult to express directly without a hint of fear. These fearful questions emptying out my mind, forcing my everything to slowly deteriorate back into the shadows.
A soft message for you
Maybe it’s the mind resting against the beat of the song, or your voice lulling through my memories, but I really like you. I feel like I under-appreciated the beauty I’m fortunate to have met and I would like to do something about that. You are an honest, heartwarming, and gorgeous person who has kept me amongst the living. I have approached you countless times, spilling issues after issues in my life and you have never failed to be there. You have taken on nonsensical rambles about the ideas screaming in my head. You have cracked jokes with me, instantly changing moments that are stressful and heart drenching to calmed down happiness. I would love for you to know that no matter what, I will always return this kindness. For every agonizing slice of pain, I will be an already offered pair of ears. Thank you for everything you have done for me!
Refusal of further pain
I could see the pain that laid between your toes, the never ending shivers refusing to let your spine rest. Despite everything that has happened, you are still the same person I’ve admired right from the start. I always held my promise, to be there with you along every broken day with the sun hidden away. But those days are gone now, along with every thought I once kept for you. It took me far too long to realise just how much my heart could stretch, no matter the love shared.
Tiredness
I don’t want to be consumed by the poison that is myself any longer.
Relating Illnesses
You are not the storm you make out to be, the crack between sanity and reality. I understand the jumble of words inside that corrupted mind of yours as it tries so hard to complete the picture. Your words shouted out without thought, hoping to discover the illness of your days. Let me tell you that it will be okay, that every mystery comes down to the depression chipping away at your shoulder, devouring every last piece of self esteem. But do not fear as this crippling feeling deep inside you will perish over time. Take this from me, an impaired person refusing to let death inside every appointment I walk into. I have taken so long to acknowledge the painful reality that depression cannot be cured by a simple pill over night. It takes countless nights of staring at empty ceilings, corrupted thoughts at train stations, and numbed out screams for help. The road out may not be an easy one, but it is a pathway we must take.
The mirage you create for me
You make it out like I’m some wild card, like every part of me is filled with some form of mystery. I’m not even remotely close to being a mystery, I am who you see standing right in front of you. The person I present to you is the character I’ve become, it’s the shyness slowly tearing, it’s the jokes with distractions. I’m in no means hiding a knife behind my back ready to pounce. I mean every word with sincere honesty, in the hopes to gain trust for no other reason than to support you.
End of obliviousness
I can no longer stare at these empty halls, these pressed down seats before a heart sinking moment with the doctor. I’m too tired of the weeks that turn into years between every approach, testing my patience over and over. This long list of flaws has become blurry by the numbness of over-analysing the question of “why bother?”. I’ve lived my life in denial of knowing the content of that list, so much that I can only offer strangers the simple answer of “half a heart”. When further asked, I mumble medical terms off the top of my head hoping to sound like I know myself. I tell myself every day that I’m okay with the idea of being gone, that every bullet point on that list will finally reach me. Maybe I’m not okay with that, maybe I deny the list because I’m terrified of what might be inevitable. Maybe in not knowing, I could somehow prevent the realism of life catching up to me.
But I’m tired of this way of thinking. It is time to face my flaws and the consequences behind them. Whatever flaws I have, I must deal with them in the best possible way I can.
Nights turning early
So many thoughts,
left at 3 in the morning.
Our minds acting free,
yet trapped within our fears.
For every night,
is spent with hidden tears.
Whatever the case,
whatever the pain,
all ends will be met.
Our 3 am thoughts,
will soon perish.
Our nights ending sooner,
with eyes quickly weary with peace.
Missed Beauty
I could say a million things but you would already know them. The cryptic messages only for your eyes hidden between lines. Your beauty astonishing yet missing from my sight. I miss your smile inducing messages, your gorgeous quirks lit up inside every sentence sent my way. I hope for your softness every night as I look across at my phone. Maybe you’re lost, searching for me, searching for something to cross the deserts set out ahead of you. Please, find it, whether it’s a cave with its rocks tumbling away a pathway for you, or even turning back to some of your old methods of survival.
A time for change
A thread of string can only be pulled so far before it is torn apart. When will you accept that change is important? Whether it is letting go of the past and moving on, changing where you are in this moment of life, or even seeking the help you’ve been desperate to cry out for. Maybe instead of keeping every thread stressfully intact, they can be selectively released. Maybe letting go of hopeless threads, life becomes easier with newer opportunities.
This perspective of changing never sparked in my thoughts overnight. It arrived in the slowest and most painful way it possibly could. It served itself in the form of struggling nights filled with emptiness, nights packed with empty tears and drowned out heads. Wounds made fresh time and time again, reminding myself of all the pain caused both to and from my own heart. My mind replaying every torn smile, every forgotten hug, every unfulfilled promise. This growing perspective of change was my only escape, my roadmap to this maze of confusing endeavours. Rather than spending my sleeps trapped in nightmares, I forced myself into transition, into dreams of change. My nightmares slowly deteriorated into dreams of hope, of new opportunities.