I will be forgotten, but never fear, for I will still cherish these memories for myself, however terrific or terrible they may be. You will live a long lasting life with whoever you choose to live it with and I will perish like a shadow from a cloud passing through. Maybe the lessons from our experiences stay in your unconscious self, lessons you’ll never quite remember the origins of. Do not fear, I never intended for any importance in my existence with you. I am merely a traveller of this world, I must continue along.
Importance of determination
Determination and passion is more important than motivation. Motivation is limited, it is a feeling that can last from a minute to as long as years, but it always ends. This idea that motivation is needed to create beautiful artwork is only partially true. But this determination, this strong sense of will allows anything to last for as long as you want it to. Whether it’s deciding you want to make a difference in this world by creating artwork that moves people, that educated people, that brings importance to people’s feelings or even the act of loving the same person all your life. Rather than trying desperately to find new sources of motivation to keep you on track, you could replace that with determination. You could force yourself to sit at a desk and stare at a blank piece of paper for hours and hours until you finally create something. Or you could spend hours and hours creating random pieces of work that in the end results to something amazing.
Even the act of love requires determination. It’s incredibly difficult to love someone all your life if you base it on this feeling that will likely not even last a few years. I’m a strong believer in this idea that if you’re going to love someone, you’re going to need to want it incredibly badly. You’re going to learn their beauties, their flaws, their small habits. Not to romanticise them, not to say how every little thing adds up to one giant beautiful human being. That’s bullshit. You need to do it because you want them, you want to find out more about them. You want to work with them in building a beautiful future. This can require knowing what works and what doesn’t work and what needs fixing. You keep your interest in someone not because of feelings but because you want to. They fascinate you as a person. They’re interesting, they’re independent, they’re their own selves with or without you.
My mornings with you
Every morning with you has become incredibly beautiful. I love being under the sheets with your face peacefully sunken into the soft pillow. I can’t help but lie there every morning with a gentle smile across the corners of my lips. I love watching as your eyes slowly open, your smile striking across your face, lighting my day up every time. I love being able to lean in to kiss your delicate lips. Sometimes we chuckle as I accidentally lean in as you yawn. Some mornings when you’re feeling lazy, I bring in cereal and coffee for the both of us. I sit cross legged with my bowl in my hand as I face you. We spend the morning talking about what’s on today. Sometimes I tell you about my quirky dreams of being chased by some bear that smelled like bacon or that one time I had a dream about a bath duck factory. I enjoy every morning with you because it sets me off for such an incredible day.
The small notices
I see hope drawn out through your exhausted eyes. I see the shyness of your delicate hands as they hide themselves in your lap. I see your legs closely tucked together as they don’t want to take unnecessary space. I see the way you keep your back straight because you’re desperately trying to build perfection in someone already completed with perfection. Everytime I see you, I feel both sadness and joy. I want you to know that who you are as an individual is everything I look for. You’re the perfect combination of a dream and a nightmare. You’re the perfect balance between good and evil. Your eyes are the perfect shade of beauty, that I can’t help but pick up my favourite brush to paint them with. Your hands are beautifully constructed, like they were perfectly molded to fit mine. They’re distinctly smooth enough to run across my skin, imprinting their touch into my memories forever. Your legs twirl around mine like a bow sealing the kindest gift anyone could receive. I feel the gentleness of every bump on your spine every chance I massage you. Your shoulder blades are so easily placed underneath my hands every time we cuddle. You’re beautiful in every way, regardless of the flaws you see in yourself.
Toxic paradise
I constructed a paradise in a polluted mind to balance myself on the edge. A paradise that was toxic, yet the kind that slowly burns away at the soul. I was in denial when you left, I forged a future of us that I collapsed myself within. This processing was slow for me as I helplessly grew tight vines around the idea that you’ll be back, but you never did. Every photo of us were kept in the back of my folders, neatly preserving beautiful memories of you that dissolved into corruption. I sought emptiness through endless sleeps, because in my mind emptiness was better than dealing with the destructive truth.
Readiness for an end
A single thread of rope dangles between hope and the veins gathered around the base of my neck. The rope loose, but deadly, patiently waiting for the bind. The scaffolds beneath slowly deteriorating from the collection of broken relationships over the small extent of what’s cruelly meant to be beauty.
My long-term aspirations
I really love these small quotes in how I met your mother, they are beautifully brief and eye opening at the same time.
“The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. I mean, it’s like I’m giving up before I even started.” Ted
I’m in this exact situation, I’m constantly worried about my ideas being screwed up, that the dream expectations behind them are too much for me to take into practice and potentially ruin.
But I want to do it regardless of what the outcome will be, I don’t care if I fail of succeed. I have a numerous amount of aspirations I intend to complete, one of them being this site. I will try my hardest to write a little bit every day and create a upload schedule. I want to create a long lasting progression of my writing skills that will not only improve my ability to create but my skill of expressing what’s important to me. As well as this, I will be attempting to create work from various perspective besides my own.
An appreciation to she who matters
Lately, I’ve been seeing you walk on my side of the curb in life. Sometimes the moments are unforgettable; like the blissful laugh heard from across the table to a terrible joke I made or the genuine voice seeping through your lips as you compliment my small creations. I thought for a while there, you sailed off away from me but due to recent circumstances, I got you back. And this small crack of time between us revealed these honest feeling of appreciation for who you are. You are the photographer I aspire to be, you are the admirable kindness of a gentle soul, you are the realisation that there is hope in this world of everlasting conflicts. I wish we could be closer but there will always be the uncertainty crawling under my skin, this fear that you may not wish for the same.
Maybe I will try for something more, even just a simple coffee on the corner every week. I want to hear about all the small adventures you get through in your short, yet busy weeks. I want to learn from you, whether it’s something personal about you that you fear sharing or the different types of cameras and lens you have for every setting. I want to take a personal interest in you because I genuinely believe you’re an incredible person who I am deeply grateful to have in my life.
Bubbling Plans
“I’m okay just being okay”
This very thought used to be my safe thought, words that I could retreat to when the battlefield is too much. I used to soften up to this idea of living an ordinary life with a partner and kids, working nine to five till the day I retire. Don’t get me wrong, that can be a beautiful life to live, to be able to wake up every morning to a loving partner, getting up to have breakfast with your own kids as you share shitty jokes and discussing the days plan. I completely understand why that’s a great life, with having a family to share vacations and memories with.
However, I believe in something more for me. Not in some obnoxious “I’m the best in the world, look how great I am” kind of way. More in the sense that I’m a butterfly effect from something spectacular. That if I play the right moves, I could potentially leave a somewhat better world behind this long game of chess.
Recently I discussed the concept of selfishness behind every “selfless” act, how no matter how selfless you believe you are, there’s always a selfish element. This brilliant person brought to my attention the selflessness of a bee, and how incredibly selfless they are in terms of protection over the queen bee. How they selflessly sacrifice their own life for the greater good.
So after this, I thought of this situation in a metaphorical sense for myself. What if I could somehow sacrifice my passion towards the help of many others like me? These thoughts, these ideas, are merely a puddle on a rainy day. I’m going to try my hardest to expand upon these ideas bubbling up inside me because I honestly believe I can help those who need it on a greater scale.
Questions by Jack Johnson
I think my love of exploring interests stems from this song. Amongst all the various songs I’ve grown up listening to, a song I’ve kept close to my heart. Because of it, I adore the idea of taking a deep interest in people; in their lives, their conflicts and their beautiful memories. I believe the idea of learning someone is one of the most precious things in life.
What intrigues me most about the lyrics of the song is this notion of only being able to ask one question. It’s beautifully shaped as he asks for a suggestion on what to ask because it brings to light the uniqueness of every individual. There are no right or wrong answers, there is no single question that can be asked that opens up a person. Everyone is gorgeously individual and this thought that every person has a unique question intrigues me to the point where I can’t help but explore it. Every new face I come across, I can’t help but attempt to discover their question. I absolutely adore being close with people, whether it’s for a split moment or a lifetime, it’s still an incredible experience.
I highly suggest you search up the song as it’s amazingly well done.