The perfect stranger on the train

I remember seeing you in the old underground train station, your eyes piercing through the crowd. Your eyes were inviting enough to overtake my itch of shyness, so I walked on over. I heard the sweetness of your voice along every syllable of your name and it instantly branded itself to my memories. We both got on the train and somehow found two empty seats that to this day, I’m still astonished considering the mess of a train it was. To this day, the mention of your name reminds me of the soft smile and the stream of hair you brush behind your ear. It was early in the morning, I remember because you told me all about how it was your first day at work as a designer. The thoughts sparking in my head like fireworks as you mention what you do, a smile already escaping through the corners of my lips. I absolutely admired you, you told me all about the years you spent studying at uni, all the failed attempts, and all the beautiful attempts. I remember the soft chuckle as I ask if there could’ve been something of yours I’ve seen, as if I was a shit comedian sharing a joke you can’t help but laugh sympathetically. I couldn’t help but mention all the years I studied design at school, how I thought I was a genius because I was able to do what I know now as the basics of photoshop. I was so invested in you and your fascinating lifestyle that I forgot to ask if we could keep in contact before you had to rush off the train because the doors were about to close. I still think about you, the kind-hearted artist nervously preparing yourself for your new job. Sometimes I think moments like those are just meant to be as they are, small crystal moments in time that’s nothing more, and nothing less. Just a perfect moment in a world filled with imperfections.

Familiarity of emptiness

The feeling of a heart wanting to contract itself into nothingness is far too familiar. So are the millions of thoughts rushing through my head, never staying still long enough for me to capture, like tadpoles​ in a pond. The songs playing out my phone seems to fade into the background, as if I’m becoming smaller and smaller within a body of meat and bones. Occasionally the lyrics sink through, darkening the page that are my thoughts with its black ink. The thoughts becoming smudges, tearing away. My nerves beg me to scream but my throat holds me back, hushing me as it tries to keep my emotions from showing. My eyes staring beyond whatever they’re looking at, as if the subject doesn’t exists. I want so much to be okay but at the same time, Maybe this is needed?

My travels through lives

I will be forgotten, but never fear, for I will still cherish these memories for myself, however terrific or terrible they may be. You will live a long lasting life with whoever you choose to live it with and I will perish like a shadow from a cloud passing through. Maybe the lessons from our experiences stay in your unconscious self, lessons you’ll never quite remember the origins of. Do not fear, I never intended for any importance in my existence​ with you. I am merely a traveller of this world, I must continue along.

Importance of determination

Determination and passion is more important than motivation. Motivation is limited, it is a feeling that can last from a minute to as long as years, but it always ends. This idea that motivation is needed to create beautiful artwork is only partially true. But this determination, this strong sense of will allows anything to last for as long as you want it to. Whether it’s deciding you want to make a difference in this world by creating artwork that moves people, that educated people, that brings importance to people’s feelings or even the act of loving the same person all your life. Rather than trying desperately to find new sources of motivation to keep you on track, you could replace that with determination. You could force yourself to sit at a desk and stare at a blank piece of paper for hours and hours until you finally create something. Or you could spend hours and hours creating random pieces of work that in the end results to something amazing.
Even the act of love requires determination. It’s incredibly difficult to love someone all your life if you base it on this feeling that will likely not even last a few years. I’m a strong believer in this idea that if you’re going to love someone, you’re going to need to want it incredibly badly. You’re going to learn their beauties, their flaws, their small habits. Not to romanticise them, not to say how every little thing adds up to one giant beautiful human being. That’s bullshit. You need to do it because you want them, you want to find out more about them. You want to work with them in building a beautiful future. This can require knowing what works and what doesn’t work and what needs fixing. You keep your interest in someone not because of feelings but because you want to. They fascinate you as a person. They’re interesting, they’re independent, they’re their own selves with or without you.

My mornings with you

Every morning with you has become incredibly beautiful. I love being under the sheets with your face peacefully sunken into the soft pillow. I can’t help but lie there every morning with a gentle smile across the corners of my lips. I love watching as your eyes slowly open, your smile striking across your face, lighting my day up every time. I love being able to lean in to kiss your delicate lips. Sometimes we chuckle as I accidentally lean in as you yawn. Some mornings when you’re feeling lazy, I bring in cereal and coffee for the both of us. I sit cross legged​ with my bowl in my hand as I face you. We spend the morning talking about what’s on today. Sometimes I tell you about my quirky dreams of being chased by some bear that smelled like bacon or that one time I had a dream about a bath duck factory. I enjoy every morning with you because it sets me off for such an incredible day.

The small notices

I see hope drawn out through your exhausted eyes. I see the shyness of your delicate hands as they hide themselves in your lap. I see your legs closely tucked together as they don’t want to take unnecessary space. I see the way you keep your back straight because you’re desperately trying to build perfection in someone already completed with perfection. Everytime I see you, I feel both sadness and joy. I want you to know that who you are as an individual is everything I look for. You’re the perfect combination of a dream and a nightmare. You’re the perfect balance between good and evil. Your eyes are the perfect shade of beauty, that I can’t help but pick up my favourite brush to paint them with. Your hands are beautifully constructed, like they were perfectly molded to fit mine. They’re distinctly smooth enough to run across my skin, imprinting their touch into my memories forever. Your legs twirl around mine like a bow sealing the kindest gift anyone could receive. I feel the gentleness of every bump on your spine every chance I massage you. Your shoulder blades are so easily placed underneath my hands every time we cuddle. You’re beautiful in every way, regardless of the flaws you see in yourself.